


Messy

by Withstarryeyes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cute, Feelings, Fluff, Insecure Cas, Love, Love Story, M/M, Messy, One-Shot, short and sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 13:20:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6908806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Withstarryeyes/pseuds/Withstarryeyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Cas ponders Dean</p>
            </blockquote>





	Messy

Love. Simple word, simple concept, simple, simple, simple. It didn’t seem that way to Cas. Never really did. Emotions were messy and sloppy, They felt like dipping your hands in paint and touching everything, leaving behind smears of blues and greens and yellows.

Love was well Cas didn’t really know. How did one figure out what love was? Cas supposed he loved Heaven. The serene tranquility of hanging out in an eternity. Of knowing that people had something to hope for after they died and Cas had the opportunity to live in it.  

He supposed he loved flying. That rush of exhilaration of soaring, so close to the stars that God created. The warmth on his wings in the robin sky. The silhouette of his figure as he zoomed past sunsets, the pinks and yellows tinting his trenchcoat into a blush. 

But what about human love? What about loving someone else? Usually he’d ask Dean, his forehead crinkled in confusion and his words tipping out like grains of rice. Dean’s face angry at first, annoyed at being asked in human terms ridiculous. But once he saw the blatant emptiness on the angels’ face he’d soften. His green eyes adopting amusement and then concern as he patiently laid things out. But Cas just couldn’t ask him. He could ask the person at the point of this dilemma. 

When did friendship morph into love? Cas sighed, tugging on his tie and laying flat on his back in the middle of a boat in a fisherman’s heaven. The boat lazily floating on a swamp in the middle of Alabama, fairy light lit the shore and thousands of lanterns littered the sky. Cas wished he could bring Dean here, show him the blinding, aching beauty of heaven. But he couldn’t just like he couldn’t figure out his feelings for Dean. 

Sloppy messy things didn’t mix with pure Angels. Cas laughed at the thought. He was far from pristine, he himself was a messy angel. Like a child had gotten into the pantry and smeared peanut butter all over his face and the walls. 

But he was less messy than feelings. He was like a spill and feelings were like the wake of a hurricane. They blindsided you and left you shaking in the five foot pile of rubble that used to be your house. The sky grey under the weight of loss. 

Sure he’d do anything for Dean. Hell he’d died for the man more than once. He’d sacrificed his place in heaven his grace, his friends, even his pride. Was that not what a friend would do? But Castiel knew that deep down it was more than that. He’d save Sam from dying but Dean, Dean he’d go through torture for. Dean, he’d give up his wings, his air, his everything. Cas closed his eyes, picturing the freckles on Dean’s face that piled like snow on his nose. The green eyes that reminded Dean on the rolling hills all over Scotland. His sandy brown hair, the exact color of sand after high tide. He imagined the way he smelled. Cinnamon and nature and goodness. 

Feelings were messy and yet Cas knew that somehow, his were a little less. His were laid out like a code. One he’d cracked. 

Cas folded his wings around his body, tucking his nose into the soft feathers like a child and it’s blanket. He loved Dean. He just didn’t know what to do with it. He’d never felt wanted, the outcast of the Angels. He was a little too obsessed with his brothers, with family and loyalty and God. He was the nerd of the family. The one that truly loved humans. He saw them as goodness, as caramel at the center of a chocolate. Like gold. 

But it was the equivalent of a young astronomer to Angels. He was weird, od and a little out there. 

Dean made him feel like he belonged. Like he fit into something. Cas thought about the time his favorite star burned out of the sky. Cas grew up with it, it grounded him in a heaven that betrayed him. that discarded him. It was a friend. Dean had seen the sadness in Cas’. His slumped shoulders and bordering on teary eyes. 

Dean had said nothing, just gripped him tight and hugged him. Not unlike what Cas imagined he’d do if 6 year old Sammy had lost a teddy bear. 

A spike of warmth flooded through Cas at the memory and he decided to pay the winchesters a visit. It was eight in the morning their time and Cas wanted to smell the dew on the grass. He wanted to see Dean with sleep ruffled hair. 

Yes, he loved Dean. It was clear now. The clue to Cas’ crossword puzzle. 

Cas slowly stood up in the boat, pausing to draw in one more sight of the lanterns before pushing off the wood. His feet left the boat as he unraveled his wings, stretching them out and flapping. Seconds later he was in the chair besides Dean at their breakfast table. 

“Good morning Dean,” He greeted, clearing his throat to make himself known. 

Dean barely flinched, flicking his eyes over to where the Angel sat,”Good or Bad?”

Confusion flooded his brain, normal occurrence in the home of the brothers. “You know I am good Dean?” He questioned more than commented and Dean blew out a drawn out sigh, putting his newspaper down. 

“News, Cas. Good or bad news?”

Cas’ eyebrows rose in a silent ‘oh’ as he thought about what to say. Good news, I love you seemed blunt. Even for an Angel. 

“Neither, I was just lonely,” Cas settled on, it wasn’t untrue. 

“And you expect me to entertain you?” Dean bordered on annoyed and Cas felt his spirits drop. 

“Yes. I mean no. No I’ll just leave,” Feelings were like tar on his feathers. 

“You can stay, Cas. Just… Don’t expect that I’ll be able to do this all the time,”

Cas smiled, his eyes lighting up and grabbed Dean’s hand. “I have something to tell you in the midst of hanging out,”

“Oh really. Is it that you really are an alien and all of this has been part of your plan to get us on your spaceship so you can cook us?”

“No. It’s that I love you,” Cas said, his answer slipping out like he was providing the key to a math test.. Feelings drowned him. 

Dean took a step back. his eyes widening comically. Cas took a step too, unfurling his wings and about to take off. To escape what he had brought upon himself.

“Oh thank God,” Cas made a confused huff. Dean smiled, pulling Cas’s hand to him, “We’ve been dancing around it for so long I’d thought I’d die before you said it,”

Maybe feelings weren’t so messy after all. “Really?” Cas asked, small and weak and lacking any lingering Angel power. 

“Really.” Dean assured and kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> Woo my first destiel fic under my belt. I hope it wasn't too cringe worthy. If you liked it I'd really appreciate it if you left a kudos/comment. The feedback really means a lot to me.


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